Twenty.

بِسْــــــــــــــــــمِ اﷲِالرَّحْمَنِ اارَّحِيم

In the name of Allah Most Compassionate, Most Merciful

[Credit]

Okay I know I don't always blog about my personal life here. But I don't really feel like blogging in Mechanicalove (my old blog) because well, I just want that phase of my life to be over, y'know?

And it's okay to blog here, I guess. Firstly because it's well, my blog (..duh?) and secondly because you don't know who I am anyway :D (okay who am I kidding? Most of you are my friends anyway right -.-)

Well I decided to go down memory lane and read some of my old posts in Mechanicalove, just to see how I'd normally blog on my birthday. Well turned out I don't really blog about birthdays. Or at least my own. Ha.

Okay I know it's just ramblings here. I'm not asking you to read this, really. I just need some place to vent out my feelings. Before it happens. Before the clock strikes twelve. Before I'm officially (according to my birth certificate) a 20 year old.

Eeek. The thought sends chills up my spine. The actual end of my teenage years. It's time to really grow up.. and leave the pain of the past behind. My whole teenage life was a total roller coaster ride. It's a bit funny, come to think of it, how silly I was as a teenage girl. How naive. How, plain, nonsensical. If ever I was to tell my tale to someone, I'd roll on the floor laughing at my own self.

Though I admit, it was painful.

I mean, it's funny when I reminisce and think about it now. But it did hurt back then. Back when I did not put Allah as my Ilah, when I didn't put him as the number one in my heart, when I didn't put him as my one and only hand-hold, where I lean and obtain support from. No, instead I pursued that from His creation. From a mere mortal, who was just as imperfect as I was. How was I to find perfection, to find salvation, in something who was also imperfect, in someone who also needed someplace else to lean on?

As much as I regret the past, I wouldn't change it even if given the chance, because I know Allah had written my life story in the best way it could ever possibly be. And if the past didn't happen, if I didn't meet the people I did, I would never be the person that I am right now. & I do treasure the person that I look in the mirror, day in and day out. The person she was, the person she is and the person she will be. It's all the same person, with the same identity, only with a slightly different thinking and a clearer view on things. A clearer view on her purpose in life and where she's heading. To Allah Azza Wa Jalla inshaaAllah.

And you were on the edge of a pit of the Fire, and He saved you from it. Thus does Allah make clear to you His verses that you may be guided [Quran 3:103]

Allahu Rabbi T.T

Alhamdulillah, the past is behind me now. Turning 20 is a big humongous gigantic step and frankly I never actually pictured myself at 20. Looking back, I probably didn't expect myself to be the person that I am right now. But come to think of it, I haven't really changed much. I'm still me. Just, with Allah in my heart, inshaaAllah. Yet I've still a lot to learn, much to improve. My journey to Allah is still a long one. Biiznillah, I will reach there one day. Ameeen Ya Rabb.

So here I am, declaring publicly and openly that I am not to grieve over my past anymore, except only as a means to get closer to Allah. I would not wish to change my past because He has decreed that it was best for me to go through that period of jahiliyyah. I will only change what I can, from here on out. Darling akhawats, especially my lovely Super Ukhtis, you be the witnesses of this (sorta?) oath of mine. And please remind me whenever my old Jahiliyyah brings me down. Remind me, that Allah loves me, as He loves all of us , inshaaAllah(:

May the next 20 years of our lives be better than the past 20 years. Allahumma ameen.

What are birthdays but a mere reminder of the approaching death?

Verily the knowledge of the Hour is with Allah (alone). It is He Who sends down rain, and He Who knows what is in the wombs. Nor does any one know what it is that he will earn on the morrow: Nor does any one know in what land he is to die. Verily with Allah is full knowledge and He is acquainted (with all things). [Quran 31:34]

Wallahualam.