After an absence from the blogging world for almost 4 years, I'm back to my true favourite pastime. I thought of continuing wherever I left off in one of my old blogs but, then again, I thought, why not just start fresh? Because that's what I've been trying to do. To start over. To start anew.
You may or may not know me. Hello, assalamualaikum wrh. Peace and blessings be to you wherever you may be, whoever you may be. In my very first post I'd like to write about the reason behind the name of the blog. Jihad Al-Nafs. I'm not that good a person to deserve such a good blog name. But somehow I need it as a constant reminder of what I'm trying to do.
I had only recently changed. (Change: another topic I will blog about insya-Allah, soon) But that doesn't mean I'm all good and holy now. I've got much to improve, much to learn. If only you knew the war that's happening within, everyday without fail. The fight not to return to the state I was before this.
Everyone has their own sacrifice when changing. Everyone has that one thing they have to give up in order to attain Allah's love.
"Do men think that they will be left alone on saying, "We believe", and that they will not be tested?" [29:2]
Personally for me it was a person that I held on so dearly to. Who, at one point of my life, was (or so I thought) the only person that understood, the only person I could've counted on. Yes, I used to have a boyfriend. And I left him, for the sake of Allah, insya-Allah.
It wasn't easy. That's all I can say. Leaving something your life revolved around, the person who picked you up when you were down, who took you in when everyone else shunned you. (Or so I thought) but it had always felt wrong. We always knew what we were doing wasn't right, it's not that we weren't exposed to the rules of the beautiful deen. We've tried a few times to call it off, to break it up - okay, more than a few times. Nearly 50 times maybe? - but never managed to. We always gave this one reason: 'We were not to be separated' (Sometimes I feel like smacking myself in the face for being so shallowwwww)
But being in my college and meeting amazing people that led me to realise the true beauty of this deen woke me up from a deep slumber. They exposed me to the real deen, I learnt the true meaning of being a Muslim, and of course, like every person who realised this truth, wanted more than anything to be loved by the Most Supreme. I knew this wasn't possible when I was fusing right with wrong. It just doesn't work that way.
Say: "Not equal are things that are bad and things that are good, even though the abundance of the bad may dazzle thee; so fear Allah, O ye that understand; that (so) ye may prosper." [5:100]
So I had to leave him. Easy, right? Wrong. Maybe this is just me being the drama queen that I am, not being able to cope with the smallest bit of difficulty and only concerned with the troubles that I have, not knowing what others face. Yes, probably. But leaving a person who (I think, I guess, I don't know) loved you and whom you (I guess) loved too is not something you do everyday, especially after you've acknowledged and established this fact within each other for almost three years. Sometimes when the pain is too overwhelming Satan creeps up and whispers 'Look at all the other happy couples. If you hadn't known this deen, if this tarbiyyah never reached you, you never had to leave him, you'd be just as happy as all the other couples around you'
Astaghfirullahalazim.
If given the choice, I would never undo what is done. Any day, any waking moment, I would always choose Allah and his Rasulullah over any momentary lusts of this temporary dunya. I would never trade this inexplicably beautiful feeling that I have, this love for my Creator, my Rabb, my Ilah, for anything. Because once I lose sight of what's true, once I let go of this feeling, ignore the light and guidance that's been shown to me, who knows whether or not He will show me the right path again.
“Oh Turner of Hearts, keep my heart firm on Your Deen.”
To tell you the truth, what I'm facing, this so-called unfathomably difficult jihad of mine is nothing compared to what others had to go through and would sacrifice for Allah. I know an ukhti who had 3 different guys propose her - propose okay, this isn't some random 'Hey pretty ;)
Boleh kenal?' crappy text. This is the ACTUAL proposal that every girl (ehem) awaits for. But she refused it. (Now before you go all
what lahh is she nutsss, read on) Why? Because she realised that she's got much responsibilities for the ummah. She's got much dakwah and much tarbiyyah to deliver. There are plenty more in dire need of guidance and she fears that on the Day of Judgement (I shall call it D-Day) our Lord will question her as to why she didn't do her job as a caliph well. Well of course after you get married, half your deen will be complete, but at this age, striving to please your husband and striving to ace in exams while
at the same time striving for the ummah doesn't seem very possible. Not just yet.
Que sera, sera. What will be, will be. Insya-Allah :)
As for him, well the last time we talked we didn't really leave it on good terms. But sometimes you know, you just need to do whatever in order to make that person stay away, even if it hurts, even if it's a bunch of fibs. I pray everyday, that if he isn't the right person for me, Ya Rabb, keep him away from me, and keep me away from him. Keep me out of his thoughts and him out of mine, keep us out of each other's lives, help us forget each other and extinguish whatever feelings still left inside. But if he is the best person for me, Ya Rahman, Ya Raheem, show him the right path, let him feel what I feel for You, Ya Rabb. Keep us out of touch and out of each other's lives, until one day we meet again on the road to attain Your Mercy and Your Blessings.
I trust that Allah will only give me what's best, because no one knows me better than Allah. He knows every thought that ever crossed my mind, ever good and bad deeds I do,
every bad joke I ever made He's the only person who knows me inside out. And surely, surely, One who knows me that good would know what's best for me.
“…it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows (what is best for you) and you do not.”
[2:216]
“Whoever trusts in Allah, will find Him sufficient. Verily, Allah will accomplish His purpose.” [65:3]
Allahua'lam :)
P/S: If any of you are scratching your head and looking at me with that quizzical look and thinking 'Duuudee what's so wrong with having a relationship anyway? So long as you don't do anything bad then okaylah!' Vell have a look at this post: Angel Pakai Gucci - Jatuh Chenta Dengan Allah Dulu, Boleh? (Fall in Love With Allah First, Can?) then you tell me if it's okay or not :3
